Two Months Later

It has now been two months and two days since we lost our precious Amaris Sage on July 6, 2012. Sometimes, I feel like yesterday, I was laying in the hospital bed, getting ready to say goodbye to our precious baby. I am by no means "over" losing our baby, and I never will be. It hurts more than ever, realizing all the milestones I should be reaching in this pregnancy. As of now, I should be celebrating having just passed my 19th week in pregnancy, which would put me almost halfway through gestation. How heartbreaking is that to think about?! We should just now be announcing Baby Thelusma's gender after finding out via ultrasound, but instead we learned our precious baby was a little boy. How did we find that out since he was only 10 weeks at birth? By making a very heartbreaking decision to have his tiny remains tested. I felt so guilty making the decision to have my baby put under a microscope and dissected, instead of bringing him home with me to have a little memorial service for him. I feel disgusted reading the two papers the lab sent my doctor's office regarding my little baby. They were so cold and clinical referring to our child in terms that made my stomach churn. To help our pain just a little, we decided to name him Amaris Sage. Beautiful, right? Not quite as beautiful as all of the hopes and dreams that we had for him...

We did, however, get some answers from the genetic testing we had done on our tiny, innocent baby. We were told he suffered from a chromosome abnormality, caused by a maternal chromosome translocation, 21q22. Which, on one had, it brought some peace to know that there was nothing that we could have done differently to make sure our baby made it to full term, but on the other hand, it ripped my heart out of my chest knowing that my body was the reason we have lost six precious babies. It saddens me that our insurance didn't think chromosome testing was necessary before now. It makes me feel maybe we wouldn't have so many angels in the sky, if MAYBE one of our reproductive specialist had pushed harder to get our insurance to cover it. I can't sit here and think about maybes, what ifs, or should haves, or I will go crazy. I already feel horribly guilty, and blame myself for losing our precious babies. Is that irrational? Perhaps, but I can not help it.

I have an appointment on September 17th, for the results of the last panel of bloodwork that was run on myself and my husband. Nervous doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I am terrified!!!!! I am worried that there is going to be more horrible news. I overthink every possibility, every diagnosis, every outcome that could occur. I will remain on pins and needles until I get those results.