The First Ten Weeks

Life changes in the blink of the eye, in a split second, all that we know to be true is being questioned as fiction or fact. Time stands still, and we are left with a decision to move forward and heal, or stay in the moment and pretend we are not hurting. For four long weeks, we have struggled with staying optimistic that our baby would be ok, that growth was just a little slow, but we would see a heartbeat, and on the other hand, resigning to a fate that we didn't want to accept. Its not an easy thing, getting ready to say goodbye to someone you've never met, and have only just seen on an ultrasound screen, but someone you love with all of your heart ♥

 

 

June 5th, 2012, we were elated to discover that after a long road filled with failed infertility treatments and miscarriages, we were naturally pregnant. I had a feeling most of May and June that I was pregnant. May 13, 2012, on Mother's Day, I felt such a strong peace and calm and I felt as if all of my precious sky angels from all of our previous pregnancy losses were trying to tell me something. I conceived ON Mother's Day... What were the odds? So, the week before I actually POAS (peed on a stick) and got the POSITIVE proof of our little miracle, I took a HPT (home pregnancy test) but it was negative. However, I did not get upset as I usually would with a negative pregnancy test, I somehow knew it was just too soon. A couple days later, I started to experience implantation bleeding and cramping. I was elated! This was our month!!! So on that following Tuesday, June 5th, I took a test at 10:30 am. The test instructions said to wait at three minutes before reading the results, but the test turned positive within seconds! This is it! This is FINALLY our turn!!! I was so excited and my mind began racing with how should I tell my husband? I thought about for a minute, and then I spotted a tiny little gift box. This is how I am going to tell my husband! So I placed the positive test in the box and tied it with a big bow. I nervously got dressed and called my husband to tell him to meet me on base for lunch at Subway. I was so excited! I could barely keep the excitement out of my voice as I talked to him on the phone! I got there and we sat down at a table and I told him that I had gotten him an early Father's Day present. He looked at me with confusion when I handed him the box and I watched with delight as he unwrapped the tiny little box. His face was PRICELESS!!!! As soon as he realized what he was looking at, he grabbed my in a huge hug and kept asking me if I was serious!!!! He wanted to immediately go to the doctor and confirm so after eating lunch, we drove to base medical to make an appointment for blood work to confirm the pregnancy. We had an appointment made for 1:00 p.m. so I went home to wait.. As soon as I got home, I was staring at the positive test and remembered that there was another test in the closet that was unused so with joyful abandon, I test on that one at 12:45 p.m. and wouldn't you know it? It was positive in seconds, too!!!! :) So happy!!!!!!

As we drove to medical, I was both nervous and excited. I knew it was going to be positive but I coudn't wait for the doctor to confirm that to us! We checked in and the lab technician took my blood and told us to have a seat in the waiting room and that we would have our results in about an hour. So we sat down and very impatiently awaited the doctor to give us the results. FINALLY! The nurse called our name and took us back to see Nurse Hixson who said, "CONGRATULATIONS, you're pregnant!" I was elated!!! Hubby just stood there smiling with this humongeous smile on his face-it was priceless!!!! :) Nurse Hixson started asking questions about dates to see how far along I was and what my EDD (estimated due date) should be.

According to my LMP (last menstrual period), I was 5w4d. So I called the office I had picked to be my prenatal care to set up our first appointment, Camden Ob/Gyn. I was so excited! And then they told me that they wouldn't see me until 8 weeks... Are you serious?! I just want to see our precious baby!!!!! Little did I know, that I would get that wish, just not in the way I was hoping for...June 5th, around 10:45 p.m., I started having sever cramping, and with our history of miscarriage, we decided to head to the ER to get checked to see if everything was ok. The ER doctor took a hCG BETA and did an ultrasound. The hCG BETA levels came back at 1,068, and a very small gestational sac was visible high in my uterus. The doctor tentatively told us that everything was where it should be that early in pregnancy, but diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and gave me strict orders to rest and go to my Ob/Gyn as soon as possible to get the hCG BETA and ultrasound repeated.

Our first ultrasound and hCG BETA at Camden Ob/Gyn was on June 7th at 5w6d. I chose April, a midwife, as my prenatal care provider. Our levels came back at 2,121, and a slightly larger gestational sac was visible.

We went back on June 13th, at 6w5d, for another ultrasound and hCG BETA. Our levels were at 8,962, and the beginnings of a small yolk sac was seen. We were told that at our next ultrasound we should be able to see a heartbeat. Some bleeding was spotted in my cervix and in my uterus, so April told me to take it easy and call if I spotted any bleeding or changes. I went home and made the decision that my baby came first so my life was going to be bed rest and limited activity from there on.

On June 20th, at 7w5d, we went back for our next ultrasound and hCG BETA. Levels came back at 25, 621, but no heartbeat and no fetal pole was seen. The yolk sac had gotten bigger and we were told the yolk sac was "abnormally shaped." The bleeding in my cervix and uterus was no longer visible, but it was reiterated to me to take it easy and call if any bleeding was noticed. I went back home to continue to take it easy and take care of my precious baby in my womb.

June 27th, at 8w5d, we went back for another ultrasound and hCG BETA. There was still no heartbeat or visible fetal pole, but some tissue in the yolk sac up by the placenta. Levels
came back at 31,304, which means that they aren't climbing as high as quickly as they were in the past. The Dr told us that there is a possibility that the baby has either been dead for a while, or just never properly developed. The Ob/Gyn gave us three different options. We couldn't believe what we were hearing... Juvins and I sat in the exam room and discussed our "options."
(A) Schedule a D&C immediately
(B) Quit taking the progesterone supplements to see if my body miscarries naturally
(C) Wait a week, do a repeat ultrasound and hCG BETA to see if something changed, if not, then we will have to choose either option A or option B.
 

We decided to wait another week. July 3rd, at 9w4d, we were back to see how Baby Thelusma was doing... We had an ultrasound that showed the placenta was detaching from my uterus and there was bleeding behind the placenta and way low in my cervix. There was some blood around our precious baby in the gestational sac. His precious little body was visible, you could see the tissue of his head down to his tiny little spine. My uterus was full of blood sitting everywhere. The yolk sac was immensely large and abnormally round. The hCG BETA results came back at 24, 621, which meant that slowly but surely, my levels were dropping and baby had no chance of making it. My midwife asked us if we were ready to make a decision, but at first we decided that we would wait another week. I guess at that point we were just weren't ready to accept that something terrible had happened to our precious baby. We went home and pretended everything was ok, and then I went to work, but while talking to Juvins, we decided that the best decision we could make, for my own health due to all of the bleeding, was to go ahead and schedule a D&C (dillation and cutterage). My husband called the doctor's office to set everything up for me and get as much info as he could. My midwife held us an operating room for Friday, July 6th. We didn't know what time our precious baby would be giving birth, but we knew he was growing his wings on Friday. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I couldn't bear the thought of putting my precious little angel in any pain and keeping him from earning his wings and flying high with all of his brothers and sisters in the sky.

Thursday, July 5th, at 9w6d, we went back to Camden Ob/Gyn to have ONE more ultrasound, just for our peace of mind, to ensure we were making the right decision about our precious little baby. As a parent, how are you supposed to be able to determine when you want to let go of a baby that you have been fighting for, for so long? It was a very traumatic appointment. They walked us through everything that would happen on Friday and answered all of our questions and make us feel as comfortable as possible. The rest of Thursday just seemed to drag by... It was absolute torture! I knew we were faced with saying goodbye, but I wasn't ready. I don't think that is something you are ever "ready" for thought.

ANGEL DAY.

I feel like I am about to start bawling as I write the last day/chapter of my precious little angel. I didn't want to wake up Friday to head to the hospital. I wanted it all to be some sort of horrible dream or nightmare that today is the day my precious little baby is going to fly away from me. I couldn't eat past midnight Friday morning, and when I woke up, I took a 100 mg Doxycicline antibiotic prior to surgery. We had to be at the hospital by 8:30 a.m., to register and be admitted to the surgery wing. At that point, my stomach was a mess from having not only eaten nothing and taking an antibiotic on an empty stomach, and being nervous and an emotional wreck, I was having horrible stomach cramps and nausea. I ended up spending fifteen minutes in the ladies' room throwing up all of my stomach contents. I was miserable. I felt as if insult was being added to injury. The day I am going to lose my precious angel that I have been fighting for for so long and doing my best to protect my little baby and hope and believe that everything was going to turn out ok. I was exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. As soon as the nurses started to prep me for surgery, I began to slowly lose it. I was crying hysterically and begging for my husband. My sweet Ob/Gyn came into the room and tried to calm me down. As they got the IV in my arm, the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me and told me that he would get something go help calm me down, due to my pulse being over 170 and my blood pressure at 189/86. I was an absolute mess! How could I be anything else?! I was so happy when my sweet husband could come back and keep me company until it was time for my surgery. He took his time telling our precious baby goodbye and giving him one last kiss. I was dreading being taken back into the OR. Around 10:00 a.m., I was given a shot in my IV to slowly calm me down and I kissed my husband one last time as they sent him out of the room to send me back to the OR. I was crying and shaking and I was terrified that I was letting my precious baby down somehow. When we got into the OR, I was given a couple shots in my IV and nitrous oxide in my oxygen mask. I remember a nurse holding my hand and telling me how sorry she was that I had to go through this. She kept rubbing my hand and my shoulder until I fell asleep. Around 10:42 a.m., Friday, July 6, 2012 our precious little baby was born. I woke up in recovery screaming and crying and begging for my husband. The nurses kept asking me if I was ok, but it wasn't pain making me cry. Just a little over an hour previous, I was ten weeks pregnant with a tiny little Thelusma safely tucked into my womb. I couldn't believe he was gone!!! Seeing my husband crushed my heart.. I felt like not only had I let our baby down and failed somehow, but that I had also disappointed my husband again. The nurses were very sweet about making me comfortable and getting me ready so that I could go home and mourn in the privacy of my own home. I was told contractions would continue and my cervix would remain dilated for up to two weeks due to not having a full term birth and in turn I had no milk coming in, as breastfeeding usually helps the uterus contract back down to usual size and help the cervix close back up. I was given specific instructions to take it easy as to not start hemmoraghing.

It is now three days past our precious little baby's Angel Day. We named our precious little angel Amaris Sage Thelusma. We are going to have a memorial service in his honor at some point. We decided to have chromosome testing done on him, after a long hard emotional battle in our hearts, to see what caused Amaris' death, and to see if something was wrong with him, or if something is wrong with either Juvins' or my chromosomes. We are also going to have karotyping done to see if there is anything that can be done for future pregnancies to make sure that another heartbreaking loss doesn't occur. It was a hard decision to make because we really wanted to bring our precious little Amaris home and be able to bury him, but there are so many hard questions that we couldn't find the answers to without further testing. And since we now have six precious guardian angels in the sky from a total of five pregnancies that have ended in miscarriage, I FINALLY have a doctor that thinks testing is necessary and something we could benefit from. I go back July 19th, for my two week post -op checkup to see how everything is healing. We were told that it will be up to three to four months before my hormone levels drop all the way down to 0, which is normal when not pregnant, and at some point, we will be cleared as to when we can try for another little Thelusma. As of right now though, we are just trying to heal and remember and honor our little Amaris. To everyone who has in some way, honored the memory of our angel, a very heartfelt thank you comes from the bottom of our hearts. Your kindess during this time will never be forgotten, and I'm sure that Amaris will watch over you as well. For those who are acting as if Amaris never existed, just remember that last week you were all excited about the newest addition to the Thelusma family and asking how pregnancy was going. But now, you just pretend that Amaris was never even a person whose existence you acknowledged. That hurts, it really does. It shows just who have always been the true friends and supporters of the Thelusma family. Its ok though, because I have six of the sweetest guardian angels watching over me, and no one can hurt me unless I chose to let them. I'm sorry, but right now, my world revolves around making sure my precious Amaris leaves a lasting impression on all of the lives that he touched for even the briefest of times. 

         Life isn't fair, and it for sure isn't easy. Mommy and Daddy love you, Amaris Sage

             Thelusma, and we will never forget you! Fly high, our precious little angel. <3

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