An Angel Mommy's Day in Hell

Today was a crappy day. Actually,
the last couple days have been. It
started yesterday. I started having
really intense cramps, from right
under my bellow button, radiating
left to right, so extreme that I
was doubled over in pain. Said
cramps continued on until this
morning... I'm on CD13, ovulation
isn't supposed to occur until
CD15, but so far, raised temps,
etc... This is my first cycle
since losing Amaris two months
ago, that I haven't been on birth
control... *sigh* This whole
journey is so emotionally
devastating... :'(

To top it off, today I had to go
to the WIC office, because it was
my next scheduled appointment. I
had called them when I lost Amaris
to see if they just wanted me to
come in then to close out my WIC,
but they told me to just wait
until my next appointment (today).
So, I go in, and the receptionist
was like, how's the pregnancy going?
I just looked at the lady... I was
158 lbs when I was 10 weeks
pregnant, with a VERY obvious bump,
and had been to the WIC office at
just over 9 weeks. I am now 144 lbs,
with a VERY flat stomach, and if I
was still pregnant, I would be 20
weeks and 3 days... Its kinda
REALLY obvious that I'm not
pregnant. I told the lady that I had
miscarried and was there to close
out my WIC. She told me I had to be
seen by a nurse first. I went back
and saw the nurse, who was very
sweet about the whole situation,
and asked me how I was doing, and
told me that I could stay on my
WIC for 6 more months, evem though
I miscarried. The only thing was,
I had to go through another
interview to get recertified. Ok,
I can deal with that. I go back out
into the waiting room until another
non-natal nurse could see me... I'm
sitting in this waiting room
surrounded by women and their
newborns and it was TORTURE. Finally,
 the nurse came and called me back
and I went into another exam room.
She had me sit down and told me she
had a list of questions. Great...
And this is where I got major
depressed. </3

She starting asking
me questions, how far along was I,
did I get an abortion, did I take
care of my body, did I want to be
pregnant, etc. I just looked at her
in shock. I told her, no, I did NOT
get an abortion, I lost my baby
due to a chromosome issue and had
to have a D&C, I took care of my
body, I took my prenatals, I went
to all my appointment, I wanted to
be pregnant, and I was in love with
my child. She was like, well, at
10 weeks, its not really a viable
pregnancy, so you didn't really
lose a baby, you lost a fetus. I
told her no, I lost my BABY. He was
a little tiny boy and we named him
Amaris Sage. She asked me how I knew
it was a boy, and I told her that
since he was my sixth angel after
five miscarriages, that my insurance
finally agreed to cover genetic
tests to see what was going on.
She goes, huh. SO all your pregnancies
have terminated? I told her yes,
all of my pregnancies resulted in my
babies growing their wings. She
asked me how far along I was with my
other pregnancies, and she told me
that all of my other angels weren't
"viable" either, since all but one
was in the first trimester. I was
getting so pissed off at this bitch
and starting to get really upset.
I was so mad and hurt that I started
shaking and my stomach was in knots-
I thought I was going to get sick.
Finally, after a few more minutes
of torturous questions and feeling
like I was being blamed and accused,
she took me back into yet ANOTHER
nurse's office.

The third nurse walked in, opened
my chart, and asked me why I got an
abortion. OK, WHAT THE FUCK. I told
her to get her fucking facts
straight, that I didn't abort my
child, and she goes, well, why did
the front nurse put it in your
chart that you did? So, I explained
yet AGAIN what happened to my
precious Amaris Sage, while she
listened. At the end, she just nodded
and said, huh, then proceeded to ask
me the SAME list of questions I had
just endured from the second nurse.
I started to cry as my heart was
hurting so bad that people thought
I would intentionally hurt my
precious baby boy... This was unreal,
I can't even begin to describe the
emotional pain I was in. She stopped
asking questions, and looked at me,
put her pen and chart down, and asked
me to talk to her about my Amaris
and my pregnancies. I did, I explained
my situation and story all over
again, and she touched my arm and
told me she was so sorry, she felt
horrible for making me suffer through
all that two times in a row, and
told me that she hoped they didn't
sound too insensitive, but that it
was a part of the screening. I told
her I didn't mind answering the questions,
but I hated being accused of
murdering the very child I love and
yearn for and miss every day. She
looked like she was going to cry as
she quickly filled out the rest of my
chart. She told me that I had her
sincere condolences and that she would
address the second nurse, after I
told her that I did't appreciate the
way she talked to me and about my
child.

I walked out of that office fighting
back tears. This world is so cold
and cruel and insensitive to a baby
loss mom. Doctors and nurses don't
communicate, health care personel
don't read charts thoroughly or fill
them out acccurately, and it results
in a lot of unnecessary questions and
pain to the mother. No one stops to
think what sort of pain and hurt a
simple question can cause, just
because they were doing their job.
Family members and friends just
give you a blank stare and wonder
why you're still upset and still
talking about the baby you will
never meet. Nobody knows how
to speak to a baby loss mom,
other than another baby loss mom.
Its hard enough, going through every
day without each of my precious
children, but its days like today,
and people like that second nurse,
that make me want to just lock myself
in my room and never come out. I miss
my precious babies so much, I wish
they were all here with me, but
instead they are all up in heaven,
watching over their mommy and daddy.

Tomorrow is going to be yet another
emotional day, as I go back to my
Ob/Gyn for the results of the latest
panel of blood tests that she had run.
I'm terrified, nervous, scared, and
just ready to have it over and done
with. This whole journey has been
filled with countless doctor's
appointments, blood tests, etc, but
the results I get tomorrow at my
appointment spell out what the future
holds for us, and whether or not
there is a rainbow baby in our future.
Wish us luck tomorrow, and pray
that I get through this appointment
without having a total anxiety attack
and emotional meltdown.

Sticky baby dust and floaty kisses
to all of my angel mommies and
their precious sky angels.  <3

Two Months Later

It has now been two months and two days since we lost our precious Amaris Sage on July 6, 2012. Sometimes, I feel like yesterday, I was laying in the hospital bed, getting ready to say goodbye to our precious baby. I am by no means "over" losing our baby, and I never will be. It hurts more than ever, realizing all the milestones I should be reaching in this pregnancy. As of now, I should be celebrating having just passed my 19th week in pregnancy, which would put me almost halfway through gestation. How heartbreaking is that to think about?! We should just now be announcing Baby Thelusma's gender after finding out via ultrasound, but instead we learned our precious baby was a little boy. How did we find that out since he was only 10 weeks at birth? By making a very heartbreaking decision to have his tiny remains tested. I felt so guilty making the decision to have my baby put under a microscope and dissected, instead of bringing him home with me to have a little memorial service for him. I feel disgusted reading the two papers the lab sent my doctor's office regarding my little baby. They were so cold and clinical referring to our child in terms that made my stomach churn. To help our pain just a little, we decided to name him Amaris Sage. Beautiful, right? Not quite as beautiful as all of the hopes and dreams that we had for him...

We did, however, get some answers from the genetic testing we had done on our tiny, innocent baby. We were told he suffered from a chromosome abnormality, caused by a maternal chromosome translocation, 21q22. Which, on one had, it brought some peace to know that there was nothing that we could have done differently to make sure our baby made it to full term, but on the other hand, it ripped my heart out of my chest knowing that my body was the reason we have lost six precious babies. It saddens me that our insurance didn't think chromosome testing was necessary before now. It makes me feel maybe we wouldn't have so many angels in the sky, if MAYBE one of our reproductive specialist had pushed harder to get our insurance to cover it. I can't sit here and think about maybes, what ifs, or should haves, or I will go crazy. I already feel horribly guilty, and blame myself for losing our precious babies. Is that irrational? Perhaps, but I can not help it.

I have an appointment on September 17th, for the results of the last panel of bloodwork that was run on myself and my husband. Nervous doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I am terrified!!!!! I am worried that there is going to be more horrible news. I overthink every possibility, every diagnosis, every outcome that could occur. I will remain on pins and needles until I get those results.