My name is Sarah and I was infertile. This is my story.

March 2009, I moved in with my boyfriend, Juvins, of five years after I graduated high school and he came back from his last deployment. April 2009, I discovered that I was pregnant. June 2009, I started having irregular bleeding and cramps and I miscarried a four month baby-our first loss. The Drs couldn’t find anything wrong with our child-so it was medically labeled as a spontaneous abortion. I had a natural miscarriage at home without medicine. I lost my precious child, in the bathroom-placenta and all. I labored for 12 hours and had strong contractions and my boyfriend had to stay on base on duty since we weren’t married his command wouldn’t let him come be with me.

March 2010, my boyfriend and I got married and he immediately enrolled me into TriCare. We went to my PCM-primary care manager- on base and explained that we had been trying to get pregnant without any luck. He made us wait until June before he would put in a referral for us to try any testing because for women under 25, if you do not conceive in a year of having unprotected sex you are considered infertile. June 2010, we started seeing our first reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Fox. He started the bloodwork and the ultrasounds and I had a HSG-hysterosalpingogram, while my husband had to undergo semen analysis. During the testing it was determined that I had PCOS-Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and stage four Endometriosis. It was recommended that I have a laproscopic surgery done to remove some of the cysts from my ovaries and the scar tissue from my uterus. September 2011, I had the laproscopic surgery. A two hour procedure turned into eight hours of me on the operating table-my case was so severe. I had to have blood transfusions during the surgery. After a month of healing we were cleared to start injections and TI-timed intercourse.

March 2011, we finished a round of injections, I took my trigger shot and we boarded a cruise ship to the Bahamas to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. When we got home, we discovered I was pregnant. I miscarried our second angel in July 2011.

August 2011, my husband and I decided we wanted to start trying again. We had stopped seeing my RE and I saw a local Ob/Gyn who put me on Clomid. I didn’t respond to the drug at all-it just stimulated my ovaries into making cysts instead of eggs. I was put on Provera to kick start my cycle and progesterone to regulate my cycle. In November, I realized I hadn’t had a period since August, which is normal with the conditions that I have, so I made an appointment with my Ob/Gyn to see if my cysts had gotten worse or if my endometrial lining was building up. During the ultrasound, two gestational sacs appeared on screen. I was a little over 6 weeks pregnant with twins. The end of November 2011, I miscarried our twins at 7 and a half weeks.

March 201,. we hadn’t been trying-we had given up on having a baby until we could do IVF because our new RE, Dr. Winslow, said that our chances of carrying a healthy baby full term would be higher, so we just decided to take a break until we had the money to do IVF. I flew out to San Diego to visit my husband who was stationed there TAD-temporary assigned duty. We came home March 19. I started feeling tired, sick, and generally just out of it but I didn’t think anything of it because I hadn’t been following my cycle at all. When my period was almost due, I started to feel violently sick and I went to my Dr and they said I had BV-bacterial vaginosis. They did not do a pregnancy test but put me on an antibiotic to help get rid of whatever was causing the BV. March 26 my period, which was almost a week late, started. I thought it was going to be just a normal period-I wasn’t even thinking that I was pregnant. My period was light, almost non-existent and I paid no heed. March 27, on our second wedding anniversary, I discovered that at three days shy of five weeks, I was miscarrying our fifth angel baby. I hadn’t passed the blastocyst (baby) yet but I knew it was coming soon-I kept having intense cramps which I knew is my uterus rejecting the baby. My hCG levels were elevated but dropping so since the hormone was still in my system-I  was still having some pregnancy symptoms. Since I had not fully lost the baby yet-even though I knew its going to happen in the next 24-36 hours due to the amount of blood I was hemorrhaging-I was in denial.

I have been through all the stages of infertility. I have been in denial, I have been depressed to the point of seriously contemplating suicide, I have withdrawn from family and friends, my husband and I almost divorced, and I am no longer friends with people who used to have a very special place in my life because they had what I wanted most and it hurt too much to be around them. I hated being told to relax because even when we relaxed and didn’t think about it-my body had too many issues and would reject our very much unplanned, unexpected miracle baby. I hated being told it will happen in God’s time-what did I ever do to him to make him give me something so precious and then take it so cruelly away from me. I hated being told when the time is right we will have a baby-we do have a baby, we have FIVE babies to be exact-please don’t pretend that they don’t exist. I hated being told that everything happens for a reason and to try and find something positive in all of this-there is nothing positive, I was pregnant but my BABIES DIED. I hated being told to get over it-I lost all of my sweet, precious, innocent babies… Babies that I felt growing, babies that I love so much, babies that I never saw except for on a ultrasound screen, babies who will forever remain in my heart but never my arms. Our oldest would have turned two on November 18, 2009. How am I supposed to “get over” that?! Seeing a pregnant woman or a newborn child is like a giant slap in the face-a cruel reminder of what I want and would die to have but have lost so many times. Seeing a father holding his child reminds me I can’t give my husband a child. I feel less of a woman and I feel as if I am not worthy of a child.

All of this being said-at our old base-being an infertile was like having leprosy. All the wives were getting pregnant and giving birth after deployments. Nobody would talk to me. So I started a facebook page and a support group for other infertile military wives. I run it because I don’t want them to feel as alone as I felt-I wanted them to have a safe place to express their emotions and pain and hurt. I recently wrote up a petition to the Dept. of Health and TriCare to try and get more of IVF and IUI covered. If any of you would like any of that information, please PLEASE do not hesitate to ask.  

*hugs and baby dust*

I ask for no sympathy, just friendship and understanding, and I offer the same in return. <3

"Empty Arms" a Poem of Infertility
I stand here alone in the pregnancy testing aisle,
We have been trying to get pregnant for the longest while.

Month after month, each test reads negative,
I would give anything to see that beautiful positive.

Stupid advice to just quit trying,
Every word you utter leaves me in the bathroom crying.

I feel as if my lack of a child makes me less of a woman,
When people say procreating is a natural part of being human.

Is it my fault my tubes, my uterus, my ovaries dont work,
Do you think each failed treatment really dont hurt?

Multiple injections, vaginal ultrasounds, RE appointments,
More bad news, misdiagnoses, failed tests, disappointments.

I see a woman walking down the street, large with pregnancy,
Good God, why cant that just happen to me?

Baby announcements, sonograms, childhood pictures,
My rules on having friends of procreating age are getting stricter.

I try diets, exercise, yoga, medicine, putting our butt in the air,
You say "You're still not pregnant?!" and then just stare.

Years of trying, months of no sucess,
Relationships under fire, every day under stress.

I quit going down certain aisles because they're too close to the baby section,
"Will I get pregnant this month?" is the constant question.

I am an infertile, my arms are still empty,
Dear God, please just bless me with a miracle baby.

~Written by Sarah Lynn Thelusma after four years of TTC~

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